I'm daydreaming today. I'm dreaming of going home to a space WE decorated. The place that we thoughtfully and carefully placed each picture and bookshelf and candle. Dreaming of a place where I have enough SPACE to actually live and breathe and dream. A space where I have the room and freedom to cook and clean and craft and do my work COMFORTABLY. A place where clutter doesn't stress me out, and I have the space and storage to avoid some of that clutter. I dream of a place, a home, that I can be proud to care for. A place where he can come home to me every afternoon. A place that he is comfortable in, feels safe in, an can truly relax in. A place that, when he gets home, I've already done the chores and cooked the dinner so that we can simply relax together and enjoy each other in OUR space. OUR home. My heart yearns for this so badly, and my Abba Father satisfies those desires with good things. [Psalm 103:5].

66 days until my dream comes true, and yes, within this dream there will be stress and clutter and frozen quickie dinners and disagreements and hurt feelings and busy-ness and "too tired to enjoy anything" and plain ole bad days, but it's still my dream.

I know that to many women, a lot of what I said in this post is repulsive. To them, the negative connotations of taking care of a home seem stifling. They turn up their noses to me saying "I've already done the chores and cooked the dinner". But for me, I see the biblical-ness of a woman caring for her home. I see that it is nearly impossible to work full-time and adequately run a household. I see that my job is to serve God by serving my husband, and I relish the idea of making a home that he feels safe in. I fully understand that without two incomes there will be necessary sacrifices. I'd much rather sacrifice eating out or taking trips or having a large house and new car than to come home each day to a cluttered house and not enough time to do what needs to be done and be too tired to enjoy the few hours I have with the man God gave me. My dream is to be a housewife, and eventually mother, and I am proud of that.

Crystal&Earl

I recently had the privilege of getting to do a shoot with two of my friends. Crystal and Earl have been together for a year, and wanted to celebrate the occasion with some pictures. Crystal said that in the past year, even though Earl and her have done many exciting things, she rarely thinks to pull out the camera and therefore they have very few photos together. I was more than happy to change that! It was a very hot day, but they were troopers. Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot. Enjoy!

One of my favorites of the day. :)

They were goofy and laughing the entire time. :)

:)

J. Ford Photography
Jennica Ford

It's very humbling when God uses me
to say things that, before I said them,
I wasn't even sure I believed.
He uses me to comfort and encourage others,
when I don't feel very comforted myself.

And you know what?
Through doing this...
I, myself, am comforted by God..through ME.
He can, and will, use anyone.
Because God is so so so good.

And he truly does have everything under control.

Moment to Moment, Day to Day

I follow a lot of blogs. A lot of really awesome, really honest, Christian women in the midst of a life of missions (which can mean almost anything).

One of those women is The Gypsy Mama. If you read her latest blog post, it's simple...but oh so important.

What do I have now that I prayed for long (or not so long) ago?

1. I am living independently, in Conway, off campus.

2. I have a ridiculously amazing boyfriend who treats me perfectly right almost all of the time. Seriously, I can only think of one flaw that he has that is even worth mentioning. God has made him an amazing man.

3. I am involved in a ministry that is honestly changing lives every single day.

4. I am fixing to help PLANT a church. What?!

5. I have a job with CHILDREN that I actually enjoy going to on a daily basis.

6. I am 9 classes away from graduation college...for free.

7. My parents are both showing an interest and love for God in a beautiful way, which is something I have prayed a lot for in the past, but have slacked on recently. It is humbling to see God use me to reach them, even when I'm actively avoid Him.

8. I have a new amazing camera and opportunity to get experience and build a portfolio.

9. Did I mention my dream-come-true boyfriend?! What I've prayed for and dreamed about most in my life is an amazing man of God who treats me well. God has blessed me with that, and also this man makes me feel beautiful and loved, and reminds me daily of God's love and devotion for me. When I think about him, I am truly speechless about how thoroughly God has blessed me and how often I take it for granted.

I don't want to lose sight of or take for granted what God has done for me while I chase after my next prayer request. I don't want to beg God to let me get married NOW, and ignore that God has given me such an amazing man. I don't want to beg God to make me perfect NOW, when He has healed and matured me tremendously in the last few years. I don't want to be that whiney spoiled child that demands more, when she's got so much she doesn't even know what to do with it all. I want to rest in now. I want to praise God for now. I want to relish what I have because of what God's done. I don't want to miss out on this moment, because I'm desperately striving for what comes next.

So my prayer is for peace and rest and *gulp*...patience. I hate praying for patience. Praying, and knowing that God is going to give me plenty of opportunity to learn patience.

Yes, Father, help me to rest in You from moment to moment, day to day.

Focus.

I've had a rough night. An "I don't care. I don't wanna. I quit." kind of night. And of course, it's all because of my focus. My focus often drifts to Jared and marriage and future, but I know God is patient and understanding. I trust Him to change my heart and captivate me.

God isn't going to let me be falsely satisfied in Jared. He's brought me too far and is doing great things in me. He will be like Hosea and chase after me and bring me back no matter how many times I run back to bondage and false hope. He will continue to break my heart until my heart is fully His.

I was feeling really at the end of my rope tonight [which I know is a great place to be, but it never feels that way] and I just said..."Alright God. I can't even pretend to have words for you right now. I can't be holy. I can't be optimistic. I just can't. I can't open up this Bible and just read and be full of You. I don't have the energy. I can't. And I don't want to pretend or even try. So please, if you were ever going to make this happen, please please please let it happen now. Please, Lord, let me open this Bible...and whatever I land on...whatever my eyes read...please let that be just what I need tonight." I half-heartedly opened my Bible and intentionally flipped to the Psalms [because if something is going to be full of angst and heartbreak, but still hopeful [which is how I feel, so that's what I need] then it's gonna be Sir David.] and here's what God gave me:

Psalm 103:4-5, 12-14

"[God] redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassions. He satisfies your desires with good things"

--God has placed the desire to be a wife and mother in my heart, and He will satisfy that desire with good things. I still believe that to be Jared, but whether or not that's true, it will be good.

"...As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

--He has removed ALL of my transgressions. That includes the ones I committed today, the ones I will commit tomorrow, the ones next week, and the ones 50 years from now. Yes, I still put created things before Him and forget [or refuse] to seek His face...but He forgives me. And He doesn't see those things. So I need to forgive myself and put my hope in HIM and not myself, because I will ALWAYS let myself down.

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."

--For all my struggles, God is compassionate. He knows that I am simply dirt that He molded together and breathed life into. He knows that I will never be perfect here on this earth, and he knows every single way I will fail Him from now until I die, and He's already forgiven me for all of those things.

And with that, some of the peace is restored. Enough to get up and try again.With this specific trial...I will get up and fall and get up and fall and get up and fall over and over until I've learned whatever it is God is teaching me. And because of this, I will be stronger and more prepared for the next trial. Sometimes I get bogged down when I think that life is just one trial after another, but I know that it's all about perspective and focus. When I stop looking at all the crap around me and my own pity party and actually look at God's beautiful face, everything stops being overwhelming. Now if only I could figure out how to do that two days in a row. =/

Last night was an amazing night.

I had been wondering aloud (aka:complaining) as to why I had to endure the last year.

For the last 10 months I have been practically begging God to save me.

Pleading over and over to make me better, to not let me keep going astray.

I asked again and again that He consume my heart.

But then last night after I got home and started winding down...

it hit me.

Maybe this last year happened so that I could have a testimony to help girls in my situation of depression.

And maybe (definitely) it made Jared and I so much stronger (but that's another post all together).

Yes, I sometimes think, "God, I wanted this to end so long ago and You let it get so much worse" but I know that God is big and God is sovern and He has perfectly orchestrated every little event in my life for a specific purpose. All the pain I've gone through in the last 9 months has made me strong and given me priceless experience and testimony.

Maybe I went through this last year with all of it's pain to help hundreds of women.

Or maybe it was all to help just one, but either way God had divine purpose for it. A task He designed specifically for me, or a task He specifically designed me to do.

Why do I question anything when God has proven time and time again that He loves me and has my life perfectly planned out down to every tiny detail?

It's thought processes and revelation like this that keep me up WAY past my bedtime, but that's fine with me because they lead me to praise, worship, thanksgiving, and oneness with my Creator.

Romans 5:3-5 "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

My heart is definitely filled with love and hope, and I realize that if I had not suffered like I did this past year...if God has brought me out of it when I asked 8, 5, 3, or even 1 month ago, I would be a less mature believer because of it. I would be of less use to God if I hadn't endured this trial.

So yes, bottom line: God's got this. He's proven it over and over again, and I can honestly say that I am "rejoicing in my [past] suffering".

God is on the move

Excerpts from conversations about God:

"But first, Christ has to come. And He is. He's coming fast and He's coming strong and he's winning my heart. Who am I to have God pursuing my heart? I was so so bad to Him this year, and I don't even have lack of knowledge to cover it. I knew. I knew the God I was turning my back on. And I did it anyway. I let it get so so bad. To the point that if I could have been happy without God, I absolutely would have been gone for good. I had forgotten what it feels like to look at God. To be with God. To trust God. To have peace. And joy. The kind that comes with knowing that nothing can take it away. How did I ever forget? And what if I forget again? But I trust Him. This moment, this week, this month...is so big. It's life-changing. It's pivotal. It's beautiful. And it's overwhelming."

"I understand the crying/smiling thing. If I wasn't so tired, I'd probably be dancing around. But it's great, because there are times I consciously make myself focus on Christ. Or times that I see Christ, and focus on Him, but there's always something tugging at my focus. But right now, it's really just God. I'm not even having specific thoughts. I'm just overwhelmed by God and it's good. The only time I ever ever ever want to happy cry is because of God. I think the Spirit makes you cry. And when the Spirit is there, when God is present, there really aren't words. There's just love and praise and so so so much thankfulness."

God is on the move. Which is always true, but He's letting me in on it this time. And it's beautifully overwhelming. I couldn't be more thankful, or humbled.