Too tired to try.

There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?

Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You've been remade

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

Sometimes a song just says it all...

I'm in hour 3 of my 4.5 day separation from Jared. It's going to be the first time since I started the semester to go a full 24 hours without seeing him, and I'm not very excited. Honestly, the apprehension and dread of it that I had all week was worse than the actual separation (so far). This Fall "break" is so full of paper writing, project doing, and house-to-house shuffling that it's not going to be very relaxing. And even though that all sounds super pessimistic, I'm excited to be home and have some time off.I'm going to lay around the house, sleep late, and eat my heart out with my momma. I'm going to go watch Harry Potter, eat Red Lobster, and enjoy a night on the town with my daddy. I'm going to have a relaxing Thanksgiving day with family. It's going to be a good break, I just wish I could share this holiday with the person I plan to share my life with. A few days apart will be good for us, I know this...it's just not exciting. For now, I'm just going to go crawl into bed with my mom and cuddle. I love cuddling.

This song was on the radio on the way home. (One perk of driving by myself: singing at the top of my lungs.) It really just fits.I'm not really feeling it, but my mind acknowledges the truth of this song.

Rush of Fools-Undo

I've been here before

Now, here I am again

Standing at the door

Praying You'll let me back in

To label me

A prodigal would be

Only scratching the surface

Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one

Who can undo what I've become

I focused on the score

But I could never win

Trying to ignore

A life of hiding my sin

To label me

A hypocrite would be

Only scratching the surface

Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one

Who can undo what I've become

Make every step lead me back to

The sovereign way that You

Turn me around, pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo

You are the only one who can undo

You're the only one who can undo

What I've become

Jason Walker-Down

I don’t know where I’m at

I’m standing at the back

And I’m tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I’m missing way too much

So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

Can’t find another way around

And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Oh it’s coming down, down, down.

Things are looking up.

I don't know how much better I really am,

but I feel a lot better.

I went to a women's discipleship group last night.

Nicolle, the lady that leads it, isn't one for messing around.
She gets straight to the heart.

She's going to challenge me in ways that at time I'll wish she wasn't.

I know that for sure, but I need it.
We have a one on one today, and I'm excited.

I love talking to Nicolle.
She's real.
And that means I can be too.

Things are popping up that I'm genuinely excited about.
The thought of serving in Oakwood, and similar areas of Conway,
in a longterm capacity really speaks to my heart.

If the next year goes how I'd like it to...

(and we know that doesn't happen often)
then such a weight will be lifted off my shoulders.
Even though what replaces it won't be an easy undertaking.
The difference is in the heart.

My heart is excited about this.

So, we'll see...

Main point: Things are on the up and up...

and God is good.

Relient K-Up and Up

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history and what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed

But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be

You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why
I'm on the up and up

^{Psalm 143}

¹ LORD, hear my prayer,

listen to my cry for mercy;

in your faithfulness and righteousness

come to my relief.

² Do not bring your servant into judgment,

for no one living is righteous before you.

³ The enemy pursues me,

he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in the darkness

like those long dead.

⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

⁵ I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works

and consider what your hands have done.

⁶ I spread out my hands to you;

I thirst for you like a parched land.

⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;

my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from me

or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I entrust my life.

⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,

for I hide myself in you.

¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God;

may your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

¹¹ For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

¹² In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.

testimony

I've been going through a rough time. I have a lot of anger that I can't find the root of. My pride is so intense that's it's choking me. When either of these two things flare up, the me that is inside protests. It says, "Jennica, you're being silly. You're not really angry at this person or about this situation. You know the things you're saying aren't true." But my pride wins out and the only person I hurt is myself. And maybe my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve what's going on with me. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with this person that I'm being. I'm never happy, and always angry, and he gets the brunt of that and it's just not fair. I definitely feel like a burden most of the time, and though he will say that he doesn't see it that way....I know that some days there's no way around it. This is a burden. I constantly need his comfort, and can therefore not be there to comfort him when he needs it (because of me or whatever else). But that is a tangent. The point is, I'm not okay. But I feel more okay today than I have in a while. For the past month, I haven't really been able to pray or actively read my Bible. Anytime I end up in a conversation about God, I leave angry. It started out subtle and I ignored it. But it eventually got to a point that I realized it was more than a bad day or week and that I was in a place I didn't know how to get out of. I needed God to save me, fix me, love me, and I couldn't see or feel Him doing any of those things. There were many many nights of vehement anger at God. Why would He leave me in this place if I don't want to be here? If I want Him to fix me and I want to love Him with all my heart, then why is He ignoring me? I told my friend, "I showed my weakness and hopelessness and brokenness and He left me there broken and defenseless. He did not pick me up." I was genuinely angry at God, but even in that...I realized that it was misguided and immature and silly. I was in a place of knowing all the "Biblical truth" of the situation (that God loves me intensely, that He is maturing me, that He will deliver me from this and everything will be better than I could ever imagine, that He hears me and cares and is right by my side even when I don't feel Him) but not feeling it...and as a human my feelings win out over my mind. Honestly, up until today, I felt hopeless. That, even though there is a promise of joy in the morning, that this night of pain would never end. I had moments of hope throughout the month, but anytime I would try to talk to someone about where I was at...I left angry. They would tell me things that I already knew. Biblical truths that I could quote, but that didn't make me feel any better. I eventually just stopped talking about it all together. I would let my boyfriend talk about God, and semi-ignore it until he finished. I would talk to my friends about their problems, but gave up trying to tell them how I felt or where I was at. First of all, I had no clue where I was at, and there was no way I could explain how I felt. I could talk all day everyday for the rest of my life and never find the words to truly make them feel what I was feeling. I know that what they saw was an obstinate, stubborn, foolish, quick-to-anger, won't-listen-to-reason girl who wouldn't try to help herself out of the situation. But what was inside was despair. Fear. L onliness. Hopelessness. A desperate desire to NOT be this person anymore. I want to love God with all my heart, I want to live for Him, I want to build relationships and encourage others. I want to be a leader. I want to be one with God. But I don't know how, and the advice of others is useless at this point. It's a me and God thing. Even when I was angry at God, and even when conversations about God pissed me off, when I was alone with God I was fine. Things make sense when it's just me and God...it's when other people get mixed in that things get complicated. And I know I can't seek comfort from outside sources, even though my boyfriend is one of the most comforting things I've ever experienced.

I guess the point is, I'm okay today. I have hope. I've prayed more today, without even realizing it, than I have in quite some time. It wasn't hard, and I didn't force it. It didn't make me angry. I don't want to talk about it, for fear that I will get angry and mess that up, but I'm okay. This is a sort of explanation for myself over the last few weeks. An apology. Thank you for worrying, and I'm sorry that you have to. Thank you for trying to help, even though I didn't accept it. Thank you for loving me, even when I'm unlovable.

"When I Go Down"

-Relient K

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again