testimony

I've been going through a rough time. I have a lot of anger that I can't find the root of. My pride is so intense that's it's choking me. When either of these two things flare up, the me that is inside protests. It says, "Jennica, you're being silly. You're not really angry at this person or about this situation. You know the things you're saying aren't true." But my pride wins out and the only person I hurt is myself. And maybe my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve what's going on with me. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with this person that I'm being. I'm never happy, and always angry, and he gets the brunt of that and it's just not fair. I definitely feel like a burden most of the time, and though he will say that he doesn't see it that way....I know that some days there's no way around it. This is a burden. I constantly need his comfort, and can therefore not be there to comfort him when he needs it (because of me or whatever else). But that is a tangent. The point is, I'm not okay. But I feel more okay today than I have in a while. For the past month, I haven't really been able to pray or actively read my Bible. Anytime I end up in a conversation about God, I leave angry. It started out subtle and I ignored it. But it eventually got to a point that I realized it was more than a bad day or week and that I was in a place I didn't know how to get out of. I needed God to save me, fix me, love me, and I couldn't see or feel Him doing any of those things. There were many many nights of vehement anger at God. Why would He leave me in this place if I don't want to be here? If I want Him to fix me and I want to love Him with all my heart, then why is He ignoring me? I told my friend, "I showed my weakness and hopelessness and brokenness and He left me there broken and defenseless. He did not pick me up." I was genuinely angry at God, but even in that...I realized that it was misguided and immature and silly. I was in a place of knowing all the "Biblical truth" of the situation (that God loves me intensely, that He is maturing me, that He will deliver me from this and everything will be better than I could ever imagine, that He hears me and cares and is right by my side even when I don't feel Him) but not feeling it...and as a human my feelings win out over my mind. Honestly, up until today, I felt hopeless. That, even though there is a promise of joy in the morning, that this night of pain would never end. I had moments of hope throughout the month, but anytime I would try to talk to someone about where I was at...I left angry. They would tell me things that I already knew. Biblical truths that I could quote, but that didn't make me feel any better. I eventually just stopped talking about it all together. I would let my boyfriend talk about God, and semi-ignore it until he finished. I would talk to my friends about their problems, but gave up trying to tell them how I felt or where I was at. First of all, I had no clue where I was at, and there was no way I could explain how I felt. I could talk all day everyday for the rest of my life and never find the words to truly make them feel what I was feeling. I know that what they saw was an obstinate, stubborn, foolish, quick-to-anger, won't-listen-to-reason girl who wouldn't try to help herself out of the situation. But what was inside was despair. Fear. L onliness. Hopelessness. A desperate desire to NOT be this person anymore. I want to love God with all my heart, I want to live for Him, I want to build relationships and encourage others. I want to be a leader. I want to be one with God. But I don't know how, and the advice of others is useless at this point. It's a me and God thing. Even when I was angry at God, and even when conversations about God pissed me off, when I was alone with God I was fine. Things make sense when it's just me and God...it's when other people get mixed in that things get complicated. And I know I can't seek comfort from outside sources, even though my boyfriend is one of the most comforting things I've ever experienced.

I guess the point is, I'm okay today. I have hope. I've prayed more today, without even realizing it, than I have in quite some time. It wasn't hard, and I didn't force it. It didn't make me angry. I don't want to talk about it, for fear that I will get angry and mess that up, but I'm okay. This is a sort of explanation for myself over the last few weeks. An apology. Thank you for worrying, and I'm sorry that you have to. Thank you for trying to help, even though I didn't accept it. Thank you for loving me, even when I'm unlovable.

"When I Go Down"

-Relient K

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again