Sometimes a song just says it all...

I'm in hour 3 of my 4.5 day separation from Jared. It's going to be the first time since I started the semester to go a full 24 hours without seeing him, and I'm not very excited. Honestly, the apprehension and dread of it that I had all week was worse than the actual separation (so far). This Fall "break" is so full of paper writing, project doing, and house-to-house shuffling that it's not going to be very relaxing. And even though that all sounds super pessimistic, I'm excited to be home and have some time off.I'm going to lay around the house, sleep late, and eat my heart out with my momma. I'm going to go watch Harry Potter, eat Red Lobster, and enjoy a night on the town with my daddy. I'm going to have a relaxing Thanksgiving day with family. It's going to be a good break, I just wish I could share this holiday with the person I plan to share my life with. A few days apart will be good for us, I know this...it's just not exciting. For now, I'm just going to go crawl into bed with my mom and cuddle. I love cuddling.

This song was on the radio on the way home. (One perk of driving by myself: singing at the top of my lungs.) It really just fits.I'm not really feeling it, but my mind acknowledges the truth of this song.

Rush of Fools-Undo

I've been here before

Now, here I am again

Standing at the door

Praying You'll let me back in

To label me

A prodigal would be

Only scratching the surface

Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one

Who can undo what I've become

I focused on the score

But I could never win

Trying to ignore

A life of hiding my sin

To label me

A hypocrite would be

Only scratching the surface

Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one

Who can undo what I've become

Make every step lead me back to

The sovereign way that You

Turn me around, pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo

You are the only one who can undo

You're the only one who can undo

What I've become

Jason Walker-Down

I don’t know where I’m at

I’m standing at the back

And I’m tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I’m missing way too much

So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

Can’t find another way around

And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Oh it’s coming down, down, down.

Things are looking up.

I don't know how much better I really am,

but I feel a lot better.

I went to a women's discipleship group last night.

Nicolle, the lady that leads it, isn't one for messing around.
She gets straight to the heart.

She's going to challenge me in ways that at time I'll wish she wasn't.

I know that for sure, but I need it.
We have a one on one today, and I'm excited.

I love talking to Nicolle.
She's real.
And that means I can be too.

Things are popping up that I'm genuinely excited about.
The thought of serving in Oakwood, and similar areas of Conway,
in a longterm capacity really speaks to my heart.

If the next year goes how I'd like it to...

(and we know that doesn't happen often)
then such a weight will be lifted off my shoulders.
Even though what replaces it won't be an easy undertaking.
The difference is in the heart.

My heart is excited about this.

So, we'll see...

Main point: Things are on the up and up...

and God is good.

Relient K-Up and Up

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history and what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed

But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be

You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why
I'm on the up and up

^{Psalm 143}

¹ LORD, hear my prayer,

listen to my cry for mercy;

in your faithfulness and righteousness

come to my relief.

² Do not bring your servant into judgment,

for no one living is righteous before you.

³ The enemy pursues me,

he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in the darkness

like those long dead.

⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

⁵ I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works

and consider what your hands have done.

⁶ I spread out my hands to you;

I thirst for you like a parched land.

⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;

my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from me

or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I entrust my life.

⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,

for I hide myself in you.

¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God;

may your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

¹¹ For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

¹² In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.