Last night was an amazing night.

I had been wondering aloud (aka:complaining) as to why I had to endure the last year.

For the last 10 months I have been practically begging God to save me.

Pleading over and over to make me better, to not let me keep going astray.

I asked again and again that He consume my heart.

But then last night after I got home and started winding down...

it hit me.

Maybe this last year happened so that I could have a testimony to help girls in my situation of depression.

And maybe (definitely) it made Jared and I so much stronger (but that's another post all together).

Yes, I sometimes think, "God, I wanted this to end so long ago and You let it get so much worse" but I know that God is big and God is sovern and He has perfectly orchestrated every little event in my life for a specific purpose. All the pain I've gone through in the last 9 months has made me strong and given me priceless experience and testimony.

Maybe I went through this last year with all of it's pain to help hundreds of women.

Or maybe it was all to help just one, but either way God had divine purpose for it. A task He designed specifically for me, or a task He specifically designed me to do.

Why do I question anything when God has proven time and time again that He loves me and has my life perfectly planned out down to every tiny detail?

It's thought processes and revelation like this that keep me up WAY past my bedtime, but that's fine with me because they lead me to praise, worship, thanksgiving, and oneness with my Creator.

Romans 5:3-5 "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

My heart is definitely filled with love and hope, and I realize that if I had not suffered like I did this past year...if God has brought me out of it when I asked 8, 5, 3, or even 1 month ago, I would be a less mature believer because of it. I would be of less use to God if I hadn't endured this trial.

So yes, bottom line: God's got this. He's proven it over and over again, and I can honestly say that I am "rejoicing in my [past] suffering".

God is on the move

Excerpts from conversations about God:

"But first, Christ has to come. And He is. He's coming fast and He's coming strong and he's winning my heart. Who am I to have God pursuing my heart? I was so so bad to Him this year, and I don't even have lack of knowledge to cover it. I knew. I knew the God I was turning my back on. And I did it anyway. I let it get so so bad. To the point that if I could have been happy without God, I absolutely would have been gone for good. I had forgotten what it feels like to look at God. To be with God. To trust God. To have peace. And joy. The kind that comes with knowing that nothing can take it away. How did I ever forget? And what if I forget again? But I trust Him. This moment, this week, this month...is so big. It's life-changing. It's pivotal. It's beautiful. And it's overwhelming."

"I understand the crying/smiling thing. If I wasn't so tired, I'd probably be dancing around. But it's great, because there are times I consciously make myself focus on Christ. Or times that I see Christ, and focus on Him, but there's always something tugging at my focus. But right now, it's really just God. I'm not even having specific thoughts. I'm just overwhelmed by God and it's good. The only time I ever ever ever want to happy cry is because of God. I think the Spirit makes you cry. And when the Spirit is there, when God is present, there really aren't words. There's just love and praise and so so so much thankfulness."

God is on the move. Which is always true, but He's letting me in on it this time. And it's beautifully overwhelming. I couldn't be more thankful, or humbled.

God=wonderful

Full of wonder.

He finds new and creative ways to show me how much He loves me...

every. single. day.

He shows me new reasons to love the place that I'm at...

every. single. day.

He reassures me that He's got this [my life], and it's gonna be good.

every. single. day.

Just a little props [praise] for the only being who deserves it.

From His little girl whom He adores, though she doesn't deserve it.

I'm a Daddy's girl. Just sayin'.

A group of friends and I just watched Million Dollar Baby. It was horribly sad, but the part that stuck with me wasn't all that significant. The girl, Maggie, has a horrible mother. At one point, Maggie buys her mother a house so that she doesn't have to live in a rundown trailer. And her mom yells something like, "Why did you buy me a house? Now they're going to take my welfare away. Why didn't you just give me the money? Sometimes you just don't think things through." All of us girls immediately scoffed and stated how ungrateful the mother was being.

But honestly, how often are we the "ungrateful mother" to God? He gives us something awesome, but it's not what we want, so we're upset. We take an amazing blessing and call it a curse because it doesn't fit our ideas of a good gift. We're ungrateful, and we pout. We say, "God, this isn't right. You didn't think this through. Why are you growing me right now? Why can't you just give me what I want when I want it?"

It was a parallel that came quickly and was overwhelming, but beautiful.

Hosea

For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers,

who give me my bread and my water,

my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.’

Therefore I will hedge up her 4 way with thorns,

and I will build a wall against her,

so that she cannot find her paths.

but not overtake them,
She shall pursue her lovers

and she shall seek them

but shall not find them.

Then she shall say,

‘I will go and return to my first husband,

for it was better for me then than now.’
And she did not know
that it was I who gave her
the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and who lavished on her silver and gold"

Hosea 2:5b-7

How beautiful is that?

My Excuses vs. God's Promises

"It's impossible" All things are possible (Luke18:27)

"I'm too tired"
I will give you rest

(Matthew 11:28-30)

"Nobody really loves me"
I love you
(John 13:34)

"I can't go on"
My Grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

"I can't figure things out"
I will direct your steps

(Proverbs 3: 5-6)

"I can't do it"
You can do all things
(Phillipians 4:13)

"I'm not able"
I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

"It's not worth it"
It will be worth it
(Romans 8:28)

"I can't forgive myself"
I forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

"I can't manage"
I will supply all your needs
(Phillipians 4:19)

"I'm afraid"
I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

"I'm always worried and frustrated"
Cast all your cares on me
(I Peter 5:7)

"I don't have enough faith"
I've given everyone a measure of faith
(Romans 12:3)

"I'm not smart enough"
I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

"I feel all alone"
I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)