Last night was an amazing night.
I had been wondering aloud (aka:complaining) as to why I had to endure the last year.
For the last 10 months I have been practically begging God to save me.
Pleading over and over to make me better, to not let me keep going astray.
I asked again and again that He consume my heart.
But then last night after I got home and started winding down...
it hit me.
Maybe this last year happened so that I could have a testimony to help girls in my situation of depression.
And maybe (definitely) it made Jared and I so much stronger (but that's another post all together).
Yes, I sometimes think, "God, I wanted this to end so long ago and You let it get so much worse" but I know that God is big and God is sovern and He has perfectly orchestrated every little event in my life for a specific purpose. All the pain I've gone through in the last 9 months has made me strong and given me priceless experience and testimony.
Maybe I went through this last year with all of it's pain to help hundreds of women.
Or maybe it was all to help just one, but either way God had divine purpose for it. A task He designed specifically for me, or a task He specifically designed me to do.
Why do I question anything when God has proven time and time again that He loves me and has my life perfectly planned out down to every tiny detail?
It's thought processes and revelation like this that keep me up WAY past my bedtime, but that's fine with me because they lead me to praise, worship, thanksgiving, and oneness with my Creator.
Romans 5:3-5 "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
My heart is definitely filled with love and hope, and I realize that if I had not suffered like I did this past year...if God has brought me out of it when I asked 8, 5, 3, or even 1 month ago, I would be a less mature believer because of it. I would be of less use to God if I hadn't endured this trial.
So yes, bottom line: God's got this. He's proven it over and over again, and I can honestly say that I am "rejoicing in my [past] suffering".