I've had a rough night. An "I don't care. I don't wanna. I quit." kind of night. And of course, it's all because of my focus. My focus often drifts to Jared and marriage and future, but I know God is patient and understanding. I trust Him to change my heart and captivate me.
God isn't going to let me be falsely satisfied in Jared. He's brought me too far and is doing great things in me. He will be like Hosea and chase after me and bring me back no matter how many times I run back to bondage and false hope. He will continue to break my heart until my heart is fully His.
I was feeling really at the end of my rope tonight [which I know is a great place to be, but it never feels that way] and I just said..."Alright God. I can't even pretend to have words for you right now. I can't be holy. I can't be optimistic. I just can't. I can't open up this Bible and just read and be full of You. I don't have the energy. I can't. And I don't want to pretend or even try. So please, if you were ever going to make this happen, please please please let it happen now. Please, Lord, let me open this Bible...and whatever I land on...whatever my eyes read...please let that be just what I need tonight." I half-heartedly opened my Bible and intentionally flipped to the Psalms [because if something is going to be full of angst and heartbreak, but still hopeful [which is how I feel, so that's what I need] then it's gonna be Sir David.] and here's what God gave me:
Psalm 103:4-5, 12-14
"[God] redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassions. He satisfies your desires with good things"
--God has placed the desire to be a wife and mother in my heart, and He will satisfy that desire with good things. I still believe that to be Jared, but whether or not that's true, it will be good.
"...As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
--He has removed ALL of my transgressions. That includes the ones I committed today, the ones I will commit tomorrow, the ones next week, and the ones 50 years from now. Yes, I still put created things before Him and forget [or refuse] to seek His face...but He forgives me. And He doesn't see those things. So I need to forgive myself and put my hope in HIM and not myself, because I will ALWAYS let myself down.
"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."
--For all my struggles, God is compassionate. He knows that I am simply dirt that He molded together and breathed life into. He knows that I will never be perfect here on this earth, and he knows every single way I will fail Him from now until I die, and He's already forgiven me for all of those things.
And with that, some of the peace is restored. Enough to get up and try again.With this specific trial...I will get up and fall and get up and fall and get up and fall over and over until I've learned whatever it is God is teaching me. And because of this, I will be stronger and more prepared for the next trial. Sometimes I get bogged down when I think that life is just one trial after another, but I know that it's all about perspective and focus. When I stop looking at all the crap around me and my own pity party and actually look at God's beautiful face, everything stops being overwhelming. Now if only I could figure out how to do that two days in a row. =/