Sunday, September 19, 2010

Awesomely Overwhelming

On May 23rd, in Africa, I wrote in my journal: "I'm sick of this bread and that funny tasting butter. I'm sick of all the horrible smells of this city. I miss home...but I think all the things that I hate about this city wouldn't matter if I were living here with the person I love." That was in response to wondering how in the world Andrea was going to live in Maputo, but seeing her with Matt made me realize how much it wouldn't matter where she was as long as she was with him. Yes, a lot of days will harbor feelings of homesickness. That's almost inevitable, but it will still be beautiful and content.

This weekend was so overwhelming, but at the same time exciting. Listening to Paul and Marionette speak was like saying, "Oh, hey future." When I try to view it from the outside, I see how ahead of myself I seem. And maybe I am in ways. But the thing is, I'm very very sure of my life with Jared. And the longer we're together, the more ways I am sure. God willing, Jared and I will live the majority of our lives in Africa. Wow. It's crazy to write that. Of course, it's something I still have to pray diligently about, but I know I want to marry Jared and spend my life with Him and I know without a doubt that I want to serve God with Jared by my side every single day...and I also know that my life isn't going to look normal or comfortable. I've known this for a while. Since I truly encountered God, I've felt that I wouldn't be content until I did something drastic (in the eyes of the world) for the Kingdom. I always felt that I couldn't be okay just living a normal average life. Yes, some people are called to serve God in their normal lives. Yes, America has needs too. I get that, but I'm not called to that. So the thought of living overseas is by no means "out of the blue". I guess I've never specifically considered it, but it's not like it catches me completely off guard. That doesn't make it any less overwhelming or scary. No, at this moment I do not feel specifically called to Africa. But I do feel called to work with children, probably orphans, and I do feel like Jared is the person God created for me. (And he is most definitely called to Africa) so it may not be the prettiest or the most perfect equation, but it still adds up.

I'm definitely struggling with taking things one day at a time while still opening my heart and mind to what my future will probably hold. And honestly, I absolutely hope that this is what my future will be. As scary as it is, I can't imagine a better way for God to use me personally, and Jared and I together. Who wouldn't want to bring God's Word to people who haven't heard it? Who wouldn't want to personally be used by God to change orphans lives? If this is what God has for Jared and I, it's an honor. It's a privilege. Don't think that doesn't mean I haven't thought of every single way it's going to suck. The thought of raising my children away from their grandparents absolutely shatters my heart. The thought of breaking my father's heart makes me want to cry. Knowing how much my mother is going to protest makes me exhausted already. I know that a lot of days I'll be tired and dirty and unhappy. Some days the thing I will want more than absolutely anything else is a good old fashioned hamburger. Some days I will throw fits and just want to go home. I know it's going to be hard. Almost every part of this is going to be hard. But the thing is, my children would grow up loving God in a way that me, as a child in America, didn't have a chance to. They would grow up seeing that every day is for serving God. They would be better off for it. No, they wouldn't have all the perks of comfortable American life, but honestly...who needs them? They're not doing anyone any good. And as far as breaking it to my parents?...God will give me strength and courage...and He will give them comfort and peace. As far as all the things I will want to whine about?...what better way to grow. I'm far too attached to my comfort. As far wanting to be home?...well we talked about that this weekend too. In a way, Africa is already home. I definitely left a part of me there. It was a smaller part than most people left, but was hard to leave and I never doubted that I would be back.

So yeah, obviously if I'm ahead of myself, I'm WAY ahead of myself. But somehow, I don't feel like I am. Time and God will tell.


Anonymous said...

I am so jealous, yet so incredibly happy for you, that you have some idea of what your life will be like. God's plans for you are amazing.