Saturday, September 25, 2010

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

[I cut out verses 19-22]

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

That last verse is one I quote often. Every time I read my Bible, I quote that verse before I start, and also Psalm 119:18 "Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law."

Now for the MSG version, because it's pretty heartfelt.

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

I'm in a very weird mood today. I will have almost no contact with Jared this weekend because he's doing poverty immersion. [Living as a homeless person for 40 hours]. Because of this, I was in bed by 10:30 last night. I haven't been to bed that early least a month. I set my alarm for 8 this morning, because even getting up that early would have gotten me 9.5 hours of sleep...but I didn't actually get up until about 10:45. 12 hours of sleep. I'm worthless. My boyfriend is away and that makes me sad so I sleep, because what else do I have to do? My attitude about life lately is really messed up. Going into this, Jared and I both knew that this weekend apart was going to be good for us. It's a time of separation that, if used, will draw me closer to God. If I'd just stop avoiding God, and just stop being lazy...

Psalm 139 helps. I know that I need God every single day, and I need for Him to be preparing me NOW for the things my life will hold. And I know He is. I know He's doing so much more in my life than I can even begin to see. And how do I thank Him? I ignore Him. Or just throw a prayer at Him here or there. I'm not convicted about the things I do wrong. I'm convicted about not being convicted.

I'm so sorry Abba. I've wandered away, but I know you're still right here beside me. I want to love you, I want to WANT you. Thank you for loving me, even when I neglect You. Thank you for the blessings that You pour out and I drink up, and please Lord help me to produce a useful crop for You. Use me. But mostly Father, help me to feel you. I want to be infatuated with you. Completely and totally consumed by Your love. Giddy. I want to be giddy.

Bah. I'm sure I'll blog more this weekend. Just pray for me to be consumed by God. Pray that He reveals Himself to me and shows me just how much He loves me. That's what changes lives...the realization of God's love. And it's something I've realized before. I've been romanced by my Lord before, and I know He'll do it again. I know that if I would just spend time with Him, I'd see His love. So pray that I get my priorities aligned. Pray that I truly make God the Lord of my life. Just pray for me.