I'm daydreaming today. I'm dreaming of going home to a space WE decorated. The place that we thoughtfully and carefully placed each picture and bookshelf and candle. Dreaming of a place where I have enough SPACE to actually live and breathe and dream. A space where I have the room and freedom to cook and clean and craft and do my work COMFORTABLY. A place where clutter doesn't stress me out, and I have the space and storage to avoid some of that clutter. I dream of a place, a home, that I can be proud to care for. A place where he can come home to me every afternoon. A place that he is comfortable in, feels safe in, an can truly relax in. A place that, when he gets home, I've already done the chores and cooked the dinner so that we can simply relax together and enjoy each other in OUR space. OUR home. My heart yearns for this so badly, and my Abba Father satisfies those desires with good things. [Psalm 103:5].

66 days until my dream comes true, and yes, within this dream there will be stress and clutter and frozen quickie dinners and disagreements and hurt feelings and busy-ness and "too tired to enjoy anything" and plain ole bad days, but it's still my dream.

I know that to many women, a lot of what I said in this post is repulsive. To them, the negative connotations of taking care of a home seem stifling. They turn up their noses to me saying "I've already done the chores and cooked the dinner". But for me, I see the biblical-ness of a woman caring for her home. I see that it is nearly impossible to work full-time and adequately run a household. I see that my job is to serve God by serving my husband, and I relish the idea of making a home that he feels safe in. I fully understand that without two incomes there will be necessary sacrifices. I'd much rather sacrifice eating out or taking trips or having a large house and new car than to come home each day to a cluttered house and not enough time to do what needs to be done and be too tired to enjoy the few hours I have with the man God gave me. My dream is to be a housewife, and eventually mother, and I am proud of that.

Crystal&Earl

I recently had the privilege of getting to do a shoot with two of my friends. Crystal and Earl have been together for a year, and wanted to celebrate the occasion with some pictures. Crystal said that in the past year, even though Earl and her have done many exciting things, she rarely thinks to pull out the camera and therefore they have very few photos together. I was more than happy to change that! It was a very hot day, but they were troopers. Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot. Enjoy!

One of my favorites of the day. :)

They were goofy and laughing the entire time. :)

:)

J. Ford Photography
Jennica Ford

It's very humbling when God uses me
to say things that, before I said them,
I wasn't even sure I believed.
He uses me to comfort and encourage others,
when I don't feel very comforted myself.

And you know what?
Through doing this...
I, myself, am comforted by God..through ME.
He can, and will, use anyone.
Because God is so so so good.

And he truly does have everything under control.

Moment to Moment, Day to Day

I follow a lot of blogs. A lot of really awesome, really honest, Christian women in the midst of a life of missions (which can mean almost anything).

One of those women is The Gypsy Mama. If you read her latest blog post, it's simple...but oh so important.

What do I have now that I prayed for long (or not so long) ago?

1. I am living independently, in Conway, off campus.

2. I have a ridiculously amazing boyfriend who treats me perfectly right almost all of the time. Seriously, I can only think of one flaw that he has that is even worth mentioning. God has made him an amazing man.

3. I am involved in a ministry that is honestly changing lives every single day.

4. I am fixing to help PLANT a church. What?!

5. I have a job with CHILDREN that I actually enjoy going to on a daily basis.

6. I am 9 classes away from graduation college...for free.

7. My parents are both showing an interest and love for God in a beautiful way, which is something I have prayed a lot for in the past, but have slacked on recently. It is humbling to see God use me to reach them, even when I'm actively avoid Him.

8. I have a new amazing camera and opportunity to get experience and build a portfolio.

9. Did I mention my dream-come-true boyfriend?! What I've prayed for and dreamed about most in my life is an amazing man of God who treats me well. God has blessed me with that, and also this man makes me feel beautiful and loved, and reminds me daily of God's love and devotion for me. When I think about him, I am truly speechless about how thoroughly God has blessed me and how often I take it for granted.

I don't want to lose sight of or take for granted what God has done for me while I chase after my next prayer request. I don't want to beg God to let me get married NOW, and ignore that God has given me such an amazing man. I don't want to beg God to make me perfect NOW, when He has healed and matured me tremendously in the last few years. I don't want to be that whiney spoiled child that demands more, when she's got so much she doesn't even know what to do with it all. I want to rest in now. I want to praise God for now. I want to relish what I have because of what God's done. I don't want to miss out on this moment, because I'm desperately striving for what comes next.

So my prayer is for peace and rest and *gulp*...patience. I hate praying for patience. Praying, and knowing that God is going to give me plenty of opportunity to learn patience.

Yes, Father, help me to rest in You from moment to moment, day to day.

Focus.

I've had a rough night. An "I don't care. I don't wanna. I quit." kind of night. And of course, it's all because of my focus. My focus often drifts to Jared and marriage and future, but I know God is patient and understanding. I trust Him to change my heart and captivate me.

God isn't going to let me be falsely satisfied in Jared. He's brought me too far and is doing great things in me. He will be like Hosea and chase after me and bring me back no matter how many times I run back to bondage and false hope. He will continue to break my heart until my heart is fully His.

I was feeling really at the end of my rope tonight [which I know is a great place to be, but it never feels that way] and I just said..."Alright God. I can't even pretend to have words for you right now. I can't be holy. I can't be optimistic. I just can't. I can't open up this Bible and just read and be full of You. I don't have the energy. I can't. And I don't want to pretend or even try. So please, if you were ever going to make this happen, please please please let it happen now. Please, Lord, let me open this Bible...and whatever I land on...whatever my eyes read...please let that be just what I need tonight." I half-heartedly opened my Bible and intentionally flipped to the Psalms [because if something is going to be full of angst and heartbreak, but still hopeful [which is how I feel, so that's what I need] then it's gonna be Sir David.] and here's what God gave me:

Psalm 103:4-5, 12-14

"[God] redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassions. He satisfies your desires with good things"

--God has placed the desire to be a wife and mother in my heart, and He will satisfy that desire with good things. I still believe that to be Jared, but whether or not that's true, it will be good.

"...As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

--He has removed ALL of my transgressions. That includes the ones I committed today, the ones I will commit tomorrow, the ones next week, and the ones 50 years from now. Yes, I still put created things before Him and forget [or refuse] to seek His face...but He forgives me. And He doesn't see those things. So I need to forgive myself and put my hope in HIM and not myself, because I will ALWAYS let myself down.

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."

--For all my struggles, God is compassionate. He knows that I am simply dirt that He molded together and breathed life into. He knows that I will never be perfect here on this earth, and he knows every single way I will fail Him from now until I die, and He's already forgiven me for all of those things.

And with that, some of the peace is restored. Enough to get up and try again.With this specific trial...I will get up and fall and get up and fall and get up and fall over and over until I've learned whatever it is God is teaching me. And because of this, I will be stronger and more prepared for the next trial. Sometimes I get bogged down when I think that life is just one trial after another, but I know that it's all about perspective and focus. When I stop looking at all the crap around me and my own pity party and actually look at God's beautiful face, everything stops being overwhelming. Now if only I could figure out how to do that two days in a row. =/

Last night was an amazing night.

I had been wondering aloud (aka:complaining) as to why I had to endure the last year.

For the last 10 months I have been practically begging God to save me.

Pleading over and over to make me better, to not let me keep going astray.

I asked again and again that He consume my heart.

But then last night after I got home and started winding down...

it hit me.

Maybe this last year happened so that I could have a testimony to help girls in my situation of depression.

And maybe (definitely) it made Jared and I so much stronger (but that's another post all together).

Yes, I sometimes think, "God, I wanted this to end so long ago and You let it get so much worse" but I know that God is big and God is sovern and He has perfectly orchestrated every little event in my life for a specific purpose. All the pain I've gone through in the last 9 months has made me strong and given me priceless experience and testimony.

Maybe I went through this last year with all of it's pain to help hundreds of women.

Or maybe it was all to help just one, but either way God had divine purpose for it. A task He designed specifically for me, or a task He specifically designed me to do.

Why do I question anything when God has proven time and time again that He loves me and has my life perfectly planned out down to every tiny detail?

It's thought processes and revelation like this that keep me up WAY past my bedtime, but that's fine with me because they lead me to praise, worship, thanksgiving, and oneness with my Creator.

Romans 5:3-5 "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

My heart is definitely filled with love and hope, and I realize that if I had not suffered like I did this past year...if God has brought me out of it when I asked 8, 5, 3, or even 1 month ago, I would be a less mature believer because of it. I would be of less use to God if I hadn't endured this trial.

So yes, bottom line: God's got this. He's proven it over and over again, and I can honestly say that I am "rejoicing in my [past] suffering".

God is on the move

Excerpts from conversations about God:

"But first, Christ has to come. And He is. He's coming fast and He's coming strong and he's winning my heart. Who am I to have God pursuing my heart? I was so so bad to Him this year, and I don't even have lack of knowledge to cover it. I knew. I knew the God I was turning my back on. And I did it anyway. I let it get so so bad. To the point that if I could have been happy without God, I absolutely would have been gone for good. I had forgotten what it feels like to look at God. To be with God. To trust God. To have peace. And joy. The kind that comes with knowing that nothing can take it away. How did I ever forget? And what if I forget again? But I trust Him. This moment, this week, this month...is so big. It's life-changing. It's pivotal. It's beautiful. And it's overwhelming."

"I understand the crying/smiling thing. If I wasn't so tired, I'd probably be dancing around. But it's great, because there are times I consciously make myself focus on Christ. Or times that I see Christ, and focus on Him, but there's always something tugging at my focus. But right now, it's really just God. I'm not even having specific thoughts. I'm just overwhelmed by God and it's good. The only time I ever ever ever want to happy cry is because of God. I think the Spirit makes you cry. And when the Spirit is there, when God is present, there really aren't words. There's just love and praise and so so so much thankfulness."

God is on the move. Which is always true, but He's letting me in on it this time. And it's beautifully overwhelming. I couldn't be more thankful, or humbled.

God=wonderful

Full of wonder.

He finds new and creative ways to show me how much He loves me...

every. single. day.

He shows me new reasons to love the place that I'm at...

every. single. day.

He reassures me that He's got this [my life], and it's gonna be good.

every. single. day.

Just a little props [praise] for the only being who deserves it.

From His little girl whom He adores, though she doesn't deserve it.

I'm a Daddy's girl. Just sayin'.

A group of friends and I just watched Million Dollar Baby. It was horribly sad, but the part that stuck with me wasn't all that significant. The girl, Maggie, has a horrible mother. At one point, Maggie buys her mother a house so that she doesn't have to live in a rundown trailer. And her mom yells something like, "Why did you buy me a house? Now they're going to take my welfare away. Why didn't you just give me the money? Sometimes you just don't think things through." All of us girls immediately scoffed and stated how ungrateful the mother was being.

But honestly, how often are we the "ungrateful mother" to God? He gives us something awesome, but it's not what we want, so we're upset. We take an amazing blessing and call it a curse because it doesn't fit our ideas of a good gift. We're ungrateful, and we pout. We say, "God, this isn't right. You didn't think this through. Why are you growing me right now? Why can't you just give me what I want when I want it?"

It was a parallel that came quickly and was overwhelming, but beautiful.

Hosea

For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers,

who give me my bread and my water,

my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.’

Therefore I will hedge up her 4 way with thorns,

and I will build a wall against her,

so that she cannot find her paths.

but not overtake them,
She shall pursue her lovers

and she shall seek them

but shall not find them.

Then she shall say,

‘I will go and return to my first husband,

for it was better for me then than now.’
And she did not know
that it was I who gave her
the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and who lavished on her silver and gold"

Hosea 2:5b-7

How beautiful is that?

My Excuses vs. God's Promises

"It's impossible" All things are possible (Luke18:27)

"I'm too tired"
I will give you rest

(Matthew 11:28-30)

"Nobody really loves me"
I love you
(John 13:34)

"I can't go on"
My Grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

"I can't figure things out"
I will direct your steps

(Proverbs 3: 5-6)

"I can't do it"
You can do all things
(Phillipians 4:13)

"I'm not able"
I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

"It's not worth it"
It will be worth it
(Romans 8:28)

"I can't forgive myself"
I forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

"I can't manage"
I will supply all your needs
(Phillipians 4:19)

"I'm afraid"
I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

"I'm always worried and frustrated"
Cast all your cares on me
(I Peter 5:7)

"I don't have enough faith"
I've given everyone a measure of faith
(Romans 12:3)

"I'm not smart enough"
I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

"I feel all alone"
I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

Reading Plan B: What do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought He would?

So far, it's great. It's hard. It hurts. But it's good.
I bought it this summer after Jared and I had our first break.

And I wish I would have let that run it's course.

It'd hurt a lot less now, and I'd be a in a lot better place.

Reading Ecclesiastes.

Praying. It gets easier everyday.

And the pain gets less and less.

My desires and hopes are more difficult to kill.

I'm not sure I'll ever stop hoping Jared is in my future.

But I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

As long as I'm willing to accept it if he's not.

So let it be.

Matthew 26:42 Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.”

I only half mean it, but it's a start.

I haven't cried today, and the pain is dull at least.

It's a start.

So let it be.

Broken.

Job with babies.

Annoying friends who love the okay into me.

Conway for the summer.

Slight hope.

Less desire to die.

Afraid to hope, but maybe this will last.

Hey God, you made your point...can you make it hurt as little as possible?

Thanks.

Day 5: Healing.

God is a generous and LOVING God.

Joy.

Peace.

Comfort.

Love.

All of these have come despite my fear.

Despite my lack of faith.

Despite efforts to run.

The peace and joy amidst this painful situation...

the comfort that comes from a God who loves

me so much more than Jared could ever dream to...

it has arrived and I feel alive.

I pray for continued growth and patience.

I pray for a fire I can't contain.

I pray for a genuine desire to read the Word,

and in turn, to know my beautiful Father better,

which will help me to love Him more

and to better receive His love.

I pray for continued renewal of heart and soul.

I praise my God.

For the first time in half a year,

I praise the one who cares more for me

than I can possibly imagine.

And more than I can possibly express,

I am thankful.

I am able to praise God for this situation.

I am able to trust Him.

I am able to love Him.

The healing has definitely begun...

and I can't even begin to express my joy.

Today has been an exceptionally good day,

in comparison with the past few.

Not a single tear.

Thank You, God, for that.

And really, thank You for a lot of things.

Honestly...thank You for everything.
Even the painful stuff.

Thank you for:

1. Using me as a witness to my mom over the past 6 months,

despite my completely unGodly behavior.

2. Surrounding me with such amazing friends,

even when I wish they'd go away.

3. For blessing me with the means and ability to school,

even though I hate it so so much.

4. Laura Hackett.
Who sings of my heart condition in ways I could never express.

5. And Hannah for introducing me to Laura Hackett.

6. Giving me peace today.

7. Healing me enough that I can actually speak to You,
and thank You for everything.

8. Motivation to do my schoolwork, even though my heart aches.

9. For easing that ache today.

10. Jared. Everything about him.
He's the biggest blessing I've ever been bestowed with.
And he's strong. Because of You.

11. Thank You for this storm,
even though every ounce of me wishes it were over.
Like...now now.

12. For not giving up on me,
even though I give up on myself.

13. For Oakwood,
and tutoring,

and my babies.
Even when I want to slap them.

14. For the healing that I feel right this minute,
and the hope that comes along with that.

Thank You so so much for being faithful,
even when I scream at You that You're not.

Thank You for loving me, and holding me,
even when I'm accusing you of horrible negligence.

Thank You for chasing after me,
even though I'm kicking and screaming and running,

and all the while accusing You of abandoning me.

Just thank You, Abba.

laura hackett

Laura Hackett speaks to my soul.

Every word of every song I've ever heard her sing.

It breaks me to pieces.

There's a Gap
Laura Hackett

What do I do here in the waiting?

What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?

What do I do here in the waiting?

Here in the tension of believing again and again

Cause there's a lack

There’s a gap in my soul

Between the things

That I believe and I know

So holy spirit

You who fill all and all

Come and fill me

Holy Spirit, come and hold me together

So I fall into grace again

So I fall into grace again

So I fall into grace again

Like a child I am

Like a child I am

Too tired to try.

There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?

Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You've been remade

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.